Look and Listen

Biography

I suppose I have a particular interest in these issues as a result of growing up in an alcoholic family system with my parents regularly engaged in argument and the accompanying tension between them frequently palpable. It seems that I took on a childhood role within my family as a peacemaker who had little power or knowledge of how to effect a resolution. One early memory demonstrating my sense of helplessness includes wishing my parents might find help for their relationship from the neighborhood church. Upon graduation from college, I almost immediately married with the hope of not repeating the “problems” of my parent’s relationship. But it didn’t take very long to realize that this was not to be the case. For all the attempts on my part to be a more effective partner than my parents had modeled for me, I soon found that at times I could a pretty angry, immature young man. While my wife and I had two awesome daughters, no matter how I tried to avoid my troubles something inside of me that did not always allow for the calm, peaceful, and helpful father and husband I aspired to be. In a confused attempt to remedy my situation I did a number of things. I took up the practice of marathon running with the idea that perhaps all the pounding on the road would somehow convert the anger. I became involved at a local church in an attempt to find some spiritual solution to my issues. However by the age of thirty-one, shortly following the tragic death of my younger sibling Jane, I found myself quite clinically depressed and still rather angry. In 1980 having begun a contemplative and meditative practice, as well as psychoanalytic psychotherapy, I eventually made a decision to attend theological school with the intention of becoming a pastoral psychotherapist. Following this major shift in life direction, with which my wife was not very comfortable, it became apparent that our relationship was becoming strained. Upon completion of a divinity program and ordination, I began training as a pastoral psychotherapist at the Blanton-Peale Graduate Institute in NYC. About half way through this residency it became even more evident that my marriage was no longer satisfying or healthy for either of us. A divorce was initiated along with a heartfelt agreement to make it as OK as possible for our beloved daughters. Following a rigorous psychotherapy residency and a few years of working with numerous couples in marriage and relationship counseling as well as individuals in psychotherapy who suffered from anger concerns, I began to seriously investigate various methods for working with relationships and anger issues. Over time I became more knowledgeable and effective at helping partners deal with conflict.

Inspiration

The Integral theory of Ken Wilber’s AQAL (all quadrant, all levels, all lines, all types) map, offers in my opinion, the most comprehensive guide available to us at this time for a more complete consideration of the major aspects and dynamics of significant relationships.